“I believe that our life is our greatest masterpiece. So why not create a thriving life filled with happiness, good health, and meaning?” – Dea Victoria
I recently celebrated my birthday, and I’m very grateful to be a year older. I recognise that growing older is a privilege denied to many, especially in the past years due to the pandemic. Life is truly a gift to be celebrated.
To celebrate, I’d like to share with you some pieces of wisdom that I gained over the years on my journey towards healing and creating a flourishing life that I love.
It’s still an ongoing journey (perhaps it’ll only end when I pass on), and I’m continuously learning along the way.
So this is a random, non-exhaustive list. But hopefully, some, if not all, of these lessons would resonate with you and be of help to you.
37 Lessons on the art of living, healing, & flourishing
- Become your own heroine.
Although it’s a good fairy tale fantasy that a knight in shining armour would save us (aka a partner or a husband), in reality, you have to be able to “save yourself”.
While it’s healthy to ask for help and receive care when needed, overly relying on someone to take care of you either financially, emotionally or physically can be disempowering. Being able to depend on yourself and have your own back, on the other hand, gives you freedom and power to direct your life.
Ultimately, this is your own one precious life; you are responsible for it. Have the courage to be the hero in your life’s story.
- Knowing yourself is the start of healing and transformation.
One of the main reasons I suffered for so long in the past was that I was living a life incongruent with who I really am. I was living a life based on what other people or society had imposed on me. As a result, I was constantly stressed and depressed.
I started healing and transforming my life for the better when I finally got to know myself. (Knowing my values, strengths, what I like to feel and experience more of, what makes me unhappy, what negatively impacts my wellbeing, what triggers me, what type of work I enjoy, etc.). And then, I aligned my decisions and choices based on them.
Some may think that it’s automatic for us to know ourselves. However, in my case and perhaps with many others, it takes reflection and the stillness to drown out the noise and voice of others to know who we are.
- Prioritise your wellbeing and happiness.
When we are happy and have high levels of wellbeing, it’s easier to be kinder and more loving to others. Being happy positively transforms our personal and professional lives, as well as our physical health.
If you’d like to learn more about happiness and wellbeing, the following articles I wrote could help you:
- The science of wellbeing & happiness
- Here’s why being happy is one of the best things you can do for yourself
- How to develop the character strength that lessens envy, stress, depression & anxiety
- 5 science-backed ways to feel happier
- The 3 factors influencing your happiness & how to be happier
- The 2 types of happiness & which one you should cultivate for a flourishing life
- Never neglect your health, family, and friends.
No matter how busy you are, always prioritise your health and connect with everyone you care about. Remember that it doesn’t matter what you accomplish, how much money you have in the bank or what fancy job title you have if you’re in poor health and don’t have meaningful and loving connections in your life. I learned this the hard way; don’t make the same mistake I did. Prioritise accordingly.
- Always have high standards.
My life significantly improved when I finally stopped settling for less and started to raise my standards.
I raised my standards when it comes to people: I stopped settling and tolerating toxic relationships. I now only invest my time and energy with people who are good for my wellbeing.
I raised my standards when it comes to material things and spending money: I practised minimalism and started investing in quality, well-made material things (I prioritised quality over quantity) instead of buying cheap things that don’t last long and cost me more in the long run.
I raised my standards when it comes to how I spend my time: I spend most of my time on activities that add value to my life (i.e. will help me gain wisdom and grow, make me happy, and improve my relationships). Having high standards also applies to and benefits our work/career and experiences.
- Have healthy boundaries.
Having healthy personal boundaries (being able to say no, setting limits and upholding our principles and values) is crucial for our wellbeing. Communicating our boundaries gives us peace of mind and allows us to remain authentic to ourselves and our needs.
Although, I admit that I’m continuously working on having healthy boundaries. Because it’s quite common for those like me who experienced abuse and trauma to have difficulty setting boundaries, this is something that I’m constantly practising and reminding myself of.
So if you constantly people-please and have difficulty speaking up when your boundaries are violated, be patient with yourself. It takes practice to learn to uphold our boundaries and needs firmly.
- Your mindset and focus shape your world and reality.
There’s truth to the saying “you create your own reality”. We create our reality or how we see and interpret the world around us through our mindset and what we focus on.
Furthermore, our internal state dictates how we view and interpret the world and our reality.
For instance, when we are happy, it’s easier to focus on what we are grateful for and the good things in our lives. It’s also easier to cultivate a growth mindset. As a result, we create a positive reality.
Conversely, when we are sad or depressed, we tend to focus on the difficulties of life. We also tend to operate on a fixed mindset. Hence, creating a negative reality.
It’s also important to note that trauma changes our brain and, thus, how we interpret and view life. Therefore, apart from cultivating a growth mindset and becoming happier, working on our past traumas would be tremendously helpful in creating a positive reality too.
To learn more about mindset and focus:
- Is your mindset holding you back from achieving your goals? How to develop a growth mindset
- Tips on enhancing focus using science
- Be a lifelong learner.
When we stop learning, we stop growing. As a consequence, we remain stagnant and don’t progress in life. If you think about it, oftentimes, lack of knowledge can make our lives harder.
For example, in my personal experience, learning how to become emotionally intelligent, build positive relationships, and manage my finances have significantly improved my life (which is why I’m very passionate about personal development and personal growth).
In terms of learning and gaining wisdom, don’t simply rely on books and formal education. We also learn from committing mistakes, our experiences, and from other people.
- Do at least one thing that brings you joy every day.
What brings you joy? What puts a smile on your face? What makes you feel energised? What makes you feel content and fulfilled? Do at least one activity each day that answers these questions.
It can be as simple as taking a warm shower or bath, reading a good book, watching your favourite show, having a cup of tea, laughing with a friend, playing with your pet.
Doing at least one thing that brings us joy is a good form of self-care. It’s a simple act that tells us that we matter, that our wellbeing matters.
- Love what you love, no matter what others say.
Once upon a time, I cared so much about what other people would say that not only did I become a people-pleaser, but I also denied myself of the things I love.
I love luxurious and beautiful things, experiences and surroundings. I also love to do charity work and help the less fortunate. I love old-world elegance, which may differ from how most women would dress up when it comes to fashion.
I used to feel guilty and embarrassed about what I loved because of what other people would say. (Such as, “a lot of people are suffering, why not give the money to charity instead?” or “who does she think she is to stand out?” or, sarcastically say, “you’re too fancy”).
But then I realised that I can embrace everything that I love while still making a positive impact in people’s lives and this world. I shouldn’t be shamed or feel ashamed about my choices. I don’t have to choose between loving beauty and luxury and being philanthropic because I can be both.
What’s important is the intention behind our actions. As long as my intention is not to brag, shame, hurt, or belittle anyone, I’m entitled to love what I love.
Others may not understand why you choose to love or enjoy certain things, and that’s okay.
Besides, you’ll never be everyone’s cup of tea. Someone will always dislike you, no matter how “good” or fabulous you are. So it’s best to remain authentic.
- Be your number one priority. Self-care is necessary and not a selfish act.
Women are often praised for being selfless and putting others’ needs first, especially our family’s needs, before ourselves.
However, when we don’t practice self-care to “fill our cups first”, when we are depleted and unhappy, then we won’t be at our best in every aspect of our lives. Consequently, our personal and professional lives will suffer.
On the other hand, when we prioritise caring for ourselves so that our mental and physical wellbeing flourish, we show up as our best selves for others.
And when we show up as our best selves, we create positive relationships that constitute a beautiful and fulfilling life.
To incorporate art and journaling in your self-care routine:
- Want to improve your mental health? 6 reasons why journaling can help
- How art can help you heal: The health & wellbeing benefits of art
- Stress is not a badge of honour.
Like many people, I was brainwashed to believe that unless you’re busy, stressed, and overwhelmed, you’re not doing enough and being productive (and, therefore, will not succeed). But the thing is, being constantly busy, stressed and overwhelmed only bring burnout and short term gains, not long-term success.
Remember that you can still achieve your goals and do meaningful things in this world even if you’re not stressed out all the time. Often, especially when it comes to our work, people associate being busy and stressed out with productivity and “being important”. It’s as if people who are not are slackers or lazy.
On the contrary, busyness and stress could be a sign of a lack of strategy and prioritising. And it can even be a symptom of running away from something — perhaps running away from feeling not good enough or wanting to prove yourself.
So ask yourself, what is the role of stress in your life? What purpose does it serve you?
Stop wearing stress like a badge of honour. Be proud of having a flourishing wellbeing instead.
- Money can make you happy if you use it wisely.
It’s a common belief that money can’t buy happiness. But is that always true? I think not. Lack of money is often one of the leading causes of stress for people and relationships.
In reality, when we use our money for activities and experiences that enhances our wellbeing and positively impacts others, it makes us happy. (Such as dining out with family and friends, donating to charity, travelling with loved ones, etc.).
Furthermore, material things that we find meaningful and adds value to our lives can make us happy.
For example, I buy or invest in certain things (such as devices, books, courses, fashion accessories, etc.) that are pricey but I find meaningful because:
- It adds value to my life (i.e. it makes me happier, healthier or more knowledgeable)
- I purchase them from a place of abundance, not scarcity (i.e. I make sure that I can afford them by saving up for it and waiting for offers or good deals) and
- I use them as a reward that will serve as a reminder that I hit a milestone or accomplished a goal, which adds meaning to the purchase.
To learn about the connection between financial health and mental health, plus tips:
- Be generous without depleting yourself.
I think women, in general, have been expected and “programmed” to be selfless and to put others first before themselves, in every aspect, including financially.
We are very caring, loving, and we don’t want to see others suffer, which is a good thing if it doesn’t hurt us.
Knowing how it’s like to suffer and not receive help, I used to always give and help others even to my detriment — even if I’m the one who ends up suffering. (This not only includes helping family and friends but even when doing charity work).
While it’s good and noble to be generous with our resources (e.g. time, money, skills), make sure that your generosity isn’t harming your wellbeing.
It’s okay to say no when you’re not in the position to help. And help only to the extent that you can.
- Don’t give away your power & always question the status quo.
Power means having the ability or capacity to do and accomplish something or act in a particular way. It’s also about having the autonomy to make choices for ourselves.
Are the life choices you’re making really your own? Or is it always influenced by others – to please others?
I’m quite a rebel at heart – and being a rebel can be good for you. Why do you have to conform all the time when it doesn’t benefit you, or it doesn’t align with what you value?
Thinking for myself, questioning the rules and status quo, and dancing to the beat of my own drum has benefited me. Just because something has always been done the same way or an idea is widely accepted in society doesn’t mean that it’s right for you or you have to follow it blindly.
- Give yourself permission to dream big.
When you share your big dreams with people, they can discourage you and project their limitations on you. Don’t let them.
It’s your life, it’s your dream, and it’s your responsibility to make it happen, whether or not you get their support. If you fail to fulfil that dream, at least you tried and learned. At least you courageously dared to try.
Another thing I learned is that you have to be careful with who you share your dreams, fears, experiences, and thoughts to. Only share it with those who have earned the right to hear it. Only share it with those who have earned your trust. Remember that not everyone has your best interest at heart, no matter how “nice” they appear to be.
- Choose hope and optimism.
We all know that life can be difficult. And because pain and suffering will always be part of living and being human, what’s important is remaining resilient, optimistic and hopeful when faced with difficulties.
To help you develop hope:
- Life rewards those who take action.
It’s not enough to dream and to learn. If we want things to change in our lives and if we’re going to achieve something worthwhile, we have to take action. It’s the only way to get results.
If you find yourself constantly procrastinating or stuck in planning, try to figure out the root cause. Is it due to fear? Are you afraid that you might fail or it won’t turn out as planned? Is it due to perfectionism? I understand because perfectionism and fear held me back for so long too.
Take action, even if you’re scared, even if you can only muster small baby steps daily.
- If you’re suffering or in a difficult situation, practise Amor Fati.
Amor Fati is a Latin phrase translated as “a love of one’s fate”. It means accepting everything that happens to us in life – the good and the bad. It means not wishing for things to be different but embracing (and even being thankful for) what we are currently experiencing, including the pain and suffering. Because it is through adversity that we become stronger and wiser, it can also help us realise our potential.
This concept also aligns with mindfulness. Often, we suffer because we want things to be different instead of accepting them as it is (which mindfulness trains us to do).
Practising Amor Fati has helped me get through the difficult time of migrating and starting a new life in a foreign country. During the first two years, it felt like I was going through hell. (I experienced unemployment, racial discrimination and bullying at work with little to no support, apart from other personal challenges). But having this mindset has been a constant reminder to embrace everything that I’m going through in the belief that everything is happening for my benefit, even if I don’t see it yet and it doesn’t feel that way.
Nowadays, I see the value of going through those tough times because it not only made me stronger and more confident in myself, but it also revealed to me the true character of the people that I surround myself with (which prompted me to end some relationships that were detrimental to my wellbeing). It also clarified who I should invest my time and energy to — those who were there for me and didn’t look down on me during those trying times.
We don’t have 100% control over our circumstances or what happens to us in life. What we have control over is our reaction to what happens to us.
- Cultivate courage.
Creating a flourishing life we love takes courage. It takes courage to express our authentic selves and make difficult decisions that will improve our lives. It also takes courage to change and let go of our old self and life to birth a new one.
If you need help developing courage:
- You deserve to be treated with love, kindness, and respect.
Our brain loves what’s familiar, even if what’s familiar is not good for us or even abusive.
Being consistently treated with love, kindness, and respect was not familiar for me. I grew up more familiar with dysfunctional relationships. As a result, I had to learn to be more familiar with feeling loved and being treated with kindness and respect simply because I deserve it – that it’s my birthright.
Maya Angelou once said: “When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time”.
People show us all time who they are, through their words and primarily their actions. When that happens – if there are people in your life not showing you love, kindness and respect — believe them. It will save you a lot of heartaches.
- You’re not too old, and it’s not too late to change yourself and your life.
We have a youth-obsessed society wherein we are made to believe that we have to succeed at a young age (be a millionaire, be financially independent, have a family, start a business, climb the corporate ladder, etc. etc.) before the age of 30 or 40. If not, then you’re too old, or it’s too late to learn certain things, start something, change yourself, or change your life’s circumstances.
Unfortunately, I fell for this message in the past. It made me impatient and unhappy for not “making it” or progressing quickly enough.
Someone also told me that people don’t change past the age of 30, which is not true. While certain traits remain stable over time, change even in old age is possible thanks to our brain’s neuroplasticity.
No matter what age you are now, you can change. You can change careers, change your beliefs, change your body, change your attitude, etc. You can reinvent and create a new you, no matter what age. It’s not too late.
Also, don’t hurry. Take your time and make progress at your own pace. You don’t have to do it all before the age of 30 or 40. Don’t focus on your age. Focus instead on how you feel and the quality of life you’re living and creating.
- Learn to parent yourself and be your own best friend.
Not all of us have been blessed with a positive and close relationship with our parents growing up. They may not have given us all our needs. You may have even internalised how they treated you and became self-critical.
As adults, we need to learn to give to ourselves what our parents may have failed to provide us and treat ourselves the way we wanted to be treated.
To help you become your own best friend:
- Stop blaming your parents and the past.
Speaking of parents (or anyone who have hurt you in the past), at some point, you have to work on forgiving them and stop blaming them for how you were raised or the mistakes they’ve made. Most likely, they also had a difficult upbringing that reflected how they parent you.
It’s also not helpful to ruminate about the past. Focus on what you can do in the present moment to heal and have a better relationship with yourself and others.
- Let it go.
Sometimes, we carry with us unnecessary burdens that we should let go of. We may even cause unnecessary drama and suffering on ourselves through rumination, the stories we tell ourselves and holding on to something that weighs us down.
What do you need to let go of in order to flourish?
Do you need to let go of hatred? Pain from the past? The unhelpful stories you tell yourself? Unhealthy relationships? Soul sucking job? The need to be right all the time?
Travel light; let it go.
- Forgive yourself and others.
It’s impossible to go through life without being hurt by someone. And sadly for me and many others, that hurt can lead to trauma.
But holding on to the anger, hatred, and pain won’t do us any good; it can even destroy us and hold us back. Eventually, you have to learn to forgive yourself and others. Or at least, take small steps towards it.
To help you in forgiving:
- Embrace your darkness and complexity.
We are complex beings, which makes life colourful but also challenging.
I used to think that I had to be “good” all the time or experience positive emotions all the time. I also used to believe that I had to specialise in a specific field and be defined by it or by my work.
But when I embraced my darkness and complexity, I felt more free and authentic.
I can be kind but still express healthy anger.
I can embody both feminine and masculine qualities.
I can love both luxury and frugality.
I can experience envy and jealousy and still be grateful.
I can be an extrovert who loves to celebrate with people and an introvert who loves solitude.
What makes you unique and complex? What shadow or dark side do you have to accept as part of you?
Embrace and celebrate all parts of you.
- Incorporating daily mindfulness and stillness can transform your life.
We find clarity and peace of mind through stillness. Having clarity and peace of mind helps us make better decisions, be healthier and happier, and focus on what’s essential in life.
Prior to having a daily mindfulness practice (I meditate daily and spend time in nature whenever I can), my life was full of chaos and stress. I was constantly overwhelmed, burnt out and unhappy.
Taking the time each day to prioritise self-care by slowing down, being still and being mindful was truly healing and transformative.
- When we feel safe, connected, and satisfied, we flourish.
Safety, connection, and satisfaction are our innate needs. Thus, all three must be satisfied for us to flourish.
We need not only physical safety but emotional and psychological safety in our environment and interactions too.
We need to connect and have positive interactions wherein we feel understood, appreciated and loved.
We need to experience the satisfaction of accomplishing meaningful goals.
So if you’ve been feeling down or unhappy, ask yourself: Are my need for safety, connection, and satisfaction being met? If not, what actions can you take to satisfy them?
- Trust yourself and your intuition.
I used to trust others’ beliefs, advice and opinions more than my own, even regarding my health and wellbeing. I used to rationalise a lot, too, instead of listening to what my body was telling me in the form of pain and sickness.
As a result, I remained unhealthy and unhappy. When I finally learned to trust myself and listen to my intuition, my health and life improved because I no longer tolerate anything that feels “off”. Whenever something or someone doesn’t feel right, I reflect on why I feel that way and take the necessary action based on my feelings and intuition.
Do you trust yourself and your intuition?
To help you trust yourself when it comes to your health:
- Pursue what gives meaning to your life.
What makes life meaningful is different for everyone. What I find meaningful may not be meaningful to you.
Pursuing something meaningful may not always make you happy too. But we search for meaning in our day to day because it makes us feel that life is worth living. It makes our time here on earth worthwhile.
How then can we create a meaningful life?
We create a meaningful life by pursuing something bigger than ourselves that’s aligned with what we value. Also, to remind ourselves that life is lived one moment at a time; it’s in each moment that creates a beautiful life.
- Relationships give us the opportunity to heal.
Relationships are the source of our happiness and pain. It’s within relationships that we get hurt; it’s also through relationships that we heal.
We also repeat relationship patterns that we haven’t healed. And get triggered by the wounds of our past that we haven’t worked on.
Being mindful of our relationship challenges can give us insight into the past wounds that need healing.
- Build resilience and grit.
Grit and resilience are needed to create a flourishing life we love.
We need the passion, perseverance, and necessary toughness to make difficult decisions, enable us to achieve our goals, and help us stay on the path of healing and transformation.
Hardships and adversities are inevitable; the question is, are you resilient and gritty enough to flourish in spite of it?
To help you become more resilient:
- Remind yourself: Memento Mori.
Memento Mori is a Latin phrase that can be translated to “remember you must die”. Death may not be something that you’d like to think about, but it’s the reality of life.
Eventually, we will all die. We may not know when and how, but the important thing is, we have fully lived and, hopefully, left a lasting positive legacy.
I like the line from the show Desperate Housewives: “When you lived well, you won’t be afraid to die”.
- Strive to live a life with few regrets.
In connection with Memento Mori, living well (in line with our values) prevents us from living a life filled with regrets.
Living well is also related to Amor Fati. When we embrace what life throws at us and believe that it is meant to happen, and even a pathway for growth and transformation, we don’t regret our experiences.
To move forward from and prevent regrets:
- Dogs make life better.
It’s amazing how a dog can change and have a positive impact on our lives. They provide unconditional love, great companionship and help us stay happy and healthy both mentally and physically.
All the dogs that I’ve taken care of also taught me to become a better human being. They taught me never to neglect my loved ones, prioritise what’s essential, and not hold a grudge.
I also learned from their actions the value of greeting people happily and enthusiastically, resting and sleeping when I’m tired, enjoying food and cuddling, staying active, and taking time to play.
My dogs made me feel that I was not alone even during my darkest days. They taught me that sometimes, all it takes is knowing that someone is there with you, even in silence.
We don’t always need words to feel better. Sometimes, a loving presence is all we need to feel better and be comforted in times of distress.
- Celebrate life.
I believe that life is meant to be celebrated. What’s the point of it all if we’re not having fun and enjoying our life?
We should celebrate life not just during our birthday or other special occasions but every single day. And celebrating something doesn’t always have to involve grand parties, balloons, and champagne (although I love those too!).
How do you celebrate your life daily?
I celebrate life daily by focusing on the reasons to be grateful for, including the mere fact that I’m still alive.
I also celebrate by connecting to people, through meaningful accomplishments (no matter how small), by buying myself flowers and anything that bring me happiness simply because I know I deserve it. Belly laughs — even laughing at myself — for being an imperfect human being is also a form of celebration.
Celebrate as often as you can. Celebrate and have fun – you deserve it, and it’s a pathway to healing, fully living, and flourishing.
Now It’s Your Turn
- Reflection: Which life lessons resonated with you the most and why?
- Action Step: Celebrate your life by doing at least one thing that gives you joy.
Thank you for reading! Please leave a comment below and share your thoughts. What life lessons would you add to the list?