“True forgiveness is when you can say, ‘Thank you for the experience.” – Oprah Winfrey

It was the fifth day of class about positive psychology and wellbeing. At the start of every class, our mentor would ask us to share our insights or learning regarding topics that were discussed the previous day. Like a good student who participates, I raised my hand and volunteered to answer. But to my horror, I suddenly felt emotionally flooded and began crying while talking. To make matters worse, even though I have the consciousness to realise that I needed to stop sharing personal information because I’m already in so much distress, I couldn’t stop myself right away; it’s as if I was possessed and held captive by my emotional brain! I felt so ashamed.

I didn’t realise it right away but after I finally calmed down and felt more rational (although still feeling vulnerable and mortified to share private information to complete strangers), I knew that my trauma was triggered. I was flooded by old, deep-seated pain.

You see, prior to breaking down by surprise, the previous topics in class (the day before) were about relationships. During the discussion, when our mentor was giving examples and mentioned the phrase “walking on eggshells”, I immediately thought of someone who tormented me for being abusive. Just remembering that person, and how I’ve always felt unsafe and like walking on eggshells whenever that person is around to protect myself from getting hurt produced instant negative emotional and bodily sensations.

But because back then I was unfamiliar with how the brain works in connection to the mind, body, and emotions, I just ignored it. Apart from that, I shrugged how I felt because of rationalising that I’ve already forgiven that person — that I already “did the work and processing” that had to be done to move one from the experience. As a result, I was taken by surprise when I experienced an emotional breakdown — because I have only forgiven the person intellectually (through rationalising) but my body and emotional brain still have not.

Thankfully, the story has a happy ending. Some of my classmates commended me for being brave enough to share my experience. But even though I didn’t feel brave at that time, I’m grateful that I felt genuine compassion and empathy from our mentor and my classmates. And I’m also grateful that I learned lessons on forgiveness from that experience that I hope will help you too.

Three lessons that helped me to truly forgive  

1. You may have to peel the layers of pain, like an onion!
2. We have two minds: the rational mind and the emotional mind
3. Hurt people hurt people

Peel the layers of pain

Although it is deemed noble and moral to easily forgive someone (especially if you grew up with a Christian upbringing like me), depending on the depth and gravity of the hurt that has been inflicted on you, it may take time for you to truly forgive and heal. And I was already aware of that (perhaps you are too). What I wasn’t aware of was that it’s okay to forgive a layer at a time, like peeling the layers of an onion.

I learned that forgiving is not always black and white; it’s not always as clear cut as having two categories wherein category one, or white area is “I forgive this person” and category two, or black area is “I don’t forgive this person”. In most cases, the two categories are enough. In some cases, especially if it involves deep-seated pain or trauma (whether minor or severe) you may need to have a third category, or a gray area, which is “the working on it but not yet there or, I’m still triggered by it” area.

After my emotional breakdown in class, I realised that I was still in the third category — the gray area at that time. And it’s okay for me to take as much time as I need to stay there and keep peeling away the layers of pain until eventually, I reach the white area of forgiveness.    

Rational brain vs Emotional brain

Have you ever experienced being hurt by your partner, for example, he/she criticised you, or made a negative remark against you, and then to keep the peace, you say to yourself, “okay, I’ll just let that pass, I’ll let it go because it’s not a big deal anyway” (rational mind talking) but since you repressed the hurt and didn’t resolve it with your partner, then the next time you interact with him/her, you might still feel an undercurrent of pain or resentment? And most likely, the next time you argue, you will bring up what was said or other issues and concerns that you repressed (because the emotional brain gets triggered or still remembers the pain even if you rationalised that you already let it go or have forgiven your partner).

Well, it turns out, in a sense, we have two minds – one that thinks (rational or “head”) and one that feels (emotional or “heart”). These two minds are semi-independent faculties that operate in distinct but interconnected circuitry in the brain. And whenever we experience a strong emotion, the emotional mind hijacks or overpower the rational mind.

In the case of emotional trauma, the emotional circuitry, specifically, the amygdala, becomes over-aroused that traumatic memories become mental hair triggers. Further, in a study conducted by British researchers Peter Woodruff and Tom Farrow, it was found that the areas in the brain associated with forgiveness can be found in the limbic system (the emotional center of the brain), and not in the areas of the cortex that’s associated with reasoned judgments (the rational part of the brain). This explains why you may “think” that you’ve already forgiven someone but emotionally the pain still lingers or gets triggered, especially when the issue or pain was repressed and not dealt with appropriately.

Knowing this about the mind and brain in connection with forgiveness has helped me become more compassionate with myself and more mindful not to repress any negative emotion so that it won’t resurface by surprise.

Hurt people hurt people

The emotional breakdown has prompted me to dig into the neuroscience of trauma. During my research, I came across the book “The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, Body in the Healing of Trauma”. It talked about the effects of traumatic experiences on the brain, mind, and body. Aside from understanding myself better, the axiom “hurt people hurt people” that was mentioned in the book shifted something in me and gave me an “aha moment” to reflect on.

The concept of a person who’s hurt, in pain, and suffering will transmit that hurt, pain, and suffering to another person helped me to view the abuse perpetrator from a different perspective; it helped me to feel empathy and compassion towards that person. Although carrying around pain and suffering is not an excuse to hurt someone because it is our responsibility to transform the pain so that it won’t become destructive, feeling empathy and compassion towards that person has helped me in forgiving.

Other learnings about forgiveness that can help you to forgive

• Forgiving doesn’t mean forgetting
• Forgiveness is separate from restoring the relationship. Sometimes, it’s better not to rebuild the relationship (especially if it is toxic or abusive, such as domestic violence)
• There are times when you’ll have to forgive yourself first in order to forgive others. Forgiving yourself can sometimes be harder than forgiving others, but it can be the most rewarding and liberating feeling and the best gift you can give yourself to help you heal
• Forgiveness is giving up all hope of a better past

Motivation to forgive: Wellbeing benefits of forgiveness

• Forgiveness promotes good cardiovascular health and improves the immune system
• Forgiveness is positively linked to life satisfaction
• Forgiveness has a positive impact on mental health (prevents psychological distress such as nervousness, restlessness, and sadness and improves self-esteem and mood)
• Being a restorative practice, forgiveness is associated with better and happier relationships (becoming more benevolent and cooperative)

Key Takeaways

• Forgiveness can take time and may require “layers to go through and peel”
• The areas in the brain associated with forgiveness reside in the “emotional mind” and not in the “rational mind”, which can make it challenging to forgive
• People who are hurt, in pain and suffering will most likely hurt and cause suffering to others too. Having this perspective can help us be empathetic and compassionate towards the person who hurt us which can then help us to forgive
• Forgiving doesn’t always mean forgetting or restoring the relationship
• Forgiveness is very beneficial to our wellbeing. It is good for our mental health, physical health, and relationships

Now it’s your turn

1. Write a letter of forgiveness either for yourself or the person you would like to forgive or both. You do not have to give the letter to the person but this activity is meant to help you express yourself, your hurt and help in letting go and no longer hold on to any grudge or pain
2. Here’s a Forgiveness Meditation that can guide you: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PbHKCy4f6Dk

Thank you for reading! Please leave a comment below and share with me your thoughts about forgiveness.

I hope these somehow gave you some insights that will help you in forgiving. In as much as it is important and healing to forgive others, please don’t forget to extend forgiveness and compassion to yourself too.

References

Goleman, D. (1996). Emotional Intelligence: Why it Matter More Than IQ. Bloomsbury.

https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/the_new_science_of_forgiveness

https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/video/item/what_forgiveness_means

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3856773/

Van Der Kolk, B. (2015). The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma. Penguin.