“With self-compassion, we give ourselves the same kindness and care we’d give to a good friend.” – Dr Kristin Neff
Do you treat yourself with kindness and compassion?
Often, we find it easier to extend compassion to other people, even to a stranger, but find it more challenging to be compassionate towards ourselves.
I remember being kind, gentle, and compassionate to other people – always being there for my friends and family whenever they needed me (even to the toxic ones) — and yet, I couldn’t do the same for myself. Instead, I was the opposite – harsh, critical, perfectionistic, unkind, and uncompassionate towards myself.
Being my worst enemy was a recipe for unhappiness and self-destruction. When I realised how unkind I have been to myself and its negative impact on my wellbeing and other aspects of my life, I started to dig deep into learning about self–compassion. It also prompted me to learn how to change the habit of being self-critical and unkind to myself.
I wanted to change but changing is never easy. Changing a habit is not easy because once a habit is formed and stored in the striatum ( the part of our brain which automates behaviours), we can only replace it. Unfortunately, old habits never die.
Once we form this habit of being self-critical or being too hard on ourselves, it will take a while (a couple of months or even longer, depending on how you consistently practice a new behaviour and the emotional investment you put into it).
Be patient with yourself (it might also help to remind yourself that after the age of 25, our brain takes longer to create new neural connections, and thus, slower to learn new behaviours). So be gentle with yourself, and give it time.
Nowadays, after consistently practising new thought patterns and behaviours, I finally became more self-compassionate. I am kinder, gentler, and more tolerant of my imperfections and failures. A more loving voice replaced the mean one.
With daily practice, I became my own best friend and best loving parent to myself. Trust me; you can do it too.
But first, what exactly is self-compassion, and what is it not?
The literal meaning of the word compassion is “to suffer together”. Whenever we feel compassion towards another person, we notice and get touched by that person’s suffering. And because of it, we feel the need to care for and alleviate that person’s suffering. Moreover, being compassionate means understanding and showing kindness to others when they make a mistake or fail, instead of being harsh or overly critical.
Self-compassion is the same as compassion for others. It is treating yourself with kindness, warmth, and understanding whenever you fail, have a difficult time, or suffer, the way you would treat another suffering human being.
Instead of ignoring the pain and suffering you are feeling, you acknowledge it: “I am suffering and in pain right now”. You can also ask yourself: “how can I take care and comfort myself right now?”
Instead of mercilessly judging and criticising yourself for various inadequacies or shortcomings, self-compassion means you are kind and understanding when confronted with personal failings – after all, who ever said you were supposed to be perfect? – Kristin Neff, Self-Compassion Org.
When you are compassionate towards yourself, you may want to change and improve (such as be healthier, happier or gain success by achieving goals) because you care about yourself, not because you feel inadequate or unacceptable just the way you are.
“Having compassion starts and ends with having compassion for all those unwanted parts of ourselves, all those imperfections that we don’t even want to look at.” – Pema Chodron
What Self-Compassion is not
1. It’s not the same as self-indulgence
Being compassionate towards ourselves does not mean that we longer strive to achieve our goals, or it’s an excuse not to hold ourselves accountable when appropriate.
Suppose our actions have detrimental consequences to our health and wellbeing long term (for example, indulging ourselves with unhealthy food, binge drinking, or being a couch potato whenever we experience stress and other challenges). In that case, it’s not genuine self-compassion.
When we are genuinely self-compassionate, we value our long term health and happiness.
2. It’s not self-pity
“Oh, poor me” is not something you would tell yourself if you’re practising self-compassion because you wouldn’t pity yourself.
When we are self-compassionate (vs feeling self-pity), we acknowledge suffering as part of the shared human experience and realise that other people experience the same circumstances and suffer the way we do. Realising this, we don’t get too absorbed with our problems, and we don’t feel isolated or disconnected from others.
3. It’s not self-esteem
Although it’s essential to have healthy self-esteem (or for us to like and value ourselves), it’s not as reliable as self-compassion when it comes to consistently being kind to ourselves.
Why? Because self-esteem fluctuates depending on our circumstances – we feel good about ourselves when we win, when we are smarter, more talented, more good looking, more successful than others — and feel bad when we don’t.
On the other hand, self-compassion is not contingent on how special or superior we are to others, nor is it based on our success and failures. We extend compassion to ourselves simply because we deserve it, not because we are better than others.
Importance & wellbeing benefits of Self-Compassion
- Self-compassion helps us to express ourselves authentically and helps in achieving our goals. If I weren’t compassionate towards myself, I wouldn’t be able to start a business, express myself through writing, and achieve my other goals and be “out there in the arena”. Because doing so takes not just the courage to fail but the reality of being exposed to criticisms, imperfections, failures, and things not going my way. When that happens, I know that I needed to have my own back and not just rely on other people for comfort and compassion. I knew that I also need to extend that compassion to myself.
- Self-compassion lets us go of debilitating perfectionism because it allows us to acknowledge our frailties and imperfections as part of the human condition experienced by everyone.
- Self-compassionate people have greater emotional resilience. When we can be kind and understanding to ourselves when faced with stress and adversities, we can quickly bounce back and cope.
- Studies on self-compassion have shown that it has a strong link to mental health. People who scored high on self-compassion were less self-critical, less neurotic, less depressed and anxious, and have overall greater life satisfaction, social connectedness, and emotional intelligence (they can manage their emotions effectively).
My five tips on how you can develop self-compassion and become your own best friend:
1. Remind yourself that YOU ARE ENOUGH
It was only a few years back when it dawned on me that one of the leading causes of most of my suffering is feeling not enough — not good enough, not worthy enough, not successful enough, not pretty enough, not healthy enough.
Feeling not enough led to people-pleasing, seeking approval, and self-destructive behaviours such as comparing myself to others, perfectionism, and of course, self-criticisms. I used to be my own worst enemy.
Usually, people like me who had a difficult upbringing or experienced abuse and trauma suffer from feeling “not enough, or not good enough”. If you’re used to hearing only criticisms, you will tend to internalise the beliefs and voices of those who criticised you and caused you pain and suffering.
When I got to the point that I felt enough — which took years of unlearning negative thought patterns and replacing old beliefs – is when I finally learned to become a good and loving friend to myself.
The bottom line is that when you don’t feel enough or good enough, you will tend to be hard on yourself and even hard on others.
Remember that you are enough, regardless of how you look, your job, how much money you have and make, etc. (insert here whatever makes you feel not enough). Remind yourself that these things don’t define you.
Keep striving and keep improving — but don’t do it coming from a place of feeling inadequate or not enough.
2. Acknowledge your shame triggers
We often don’t talk about shame, but it’s a powerful emotion that affects how we see ourselves and our behaviours. Shame also has a direct impact on self-compassion.
Brene Brown, a prominent shame researcher, defines shame as “the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing we are flawed and therefore unworthy of acceptance and belonging.”
Shame causes us to feel humiliated, distressed, and embarrassed. This emotion makes you feel that there’s something wrong with you. It also causes our brains to go into the stress response fight, flight, or freeze mode (which causes us to freeze or hide or get away when feeling ashamed). Shame can make us self-critical.
“Self-compassion is key because when we’re able to be gentle with ourselves in the midst of shame, we’re more likely to reach out, connect, and experience empathy. – Brene Brown
What are your shame triggers? What causes you to feel ashamed?
Do you feel ashamed of your weight or how you look? Do you feel embarrassed about how much you’re earning and how much money you have in the bank? Do you find the car you’re driving to be shameful? Do you feel ashamed telling people that you’re still single and childless? Does talking about having a dysfunctional family or a dark past make you feel embarrassed? Do you feel humiliated failing at work, or business, or being unemployed?
The shame trigger list can go on and on.
When we acknowledge or recognise what causes us to feel ashamed, we can then shed light on our parts that need compassion. We can pinpoint what causes us to be too hard on ourselves and then change the script or our self-talk to a more compassionate one.
3. Eliminate toxic people in your life (or love them from afar)
It’s hard to be kind to yourself when you’re always surrounded by negative people who criticise you, make you feel small, or made to feel not good enough.
I understand that there are some people whom you can quickly eliminate in your life (like toxic friends); there are those — like family — who you can choose to spend less time with or love from afar.
It’s essential to find your tribe — those people who can see the best in you and who would lift you up, especially when you fall flat on your face and struggle to be self-compassionate.
Stop spending time with people who make you feel small or pity you when you’re struggling.
I used to feel guilty eliminating certain people from my life, especially those I’ve known for a long time. But nowadays, I love and value myself enough not to tolerate toxic people and only keep those who add value to my life and show me genuine kindness, concern, and compassion.
4. Ask yourself: “What would a kind and loving friend (or parent) say?”
When I started my journey towards developing self-compassion, this was the question that I would always ask myself whenever I fail, make a mistake, feel ashamed, or feel bad about myself.
What would a kind and loving friend say?
Would a kind and loving friend (or parent, if you prefer) tell you you’re stupid or worthless? Would a kind and caring friend mock you and criticise you when you fail or make a mistake? Of course not!
So practice — on a daily basis – to speak to yourself the way a loving, caring, kind, and supportive friend would talk to you.
Nowadays, whenever I fail, make a mistake, or when things don’t go my way, I say to myself: “Sweetie, it’s okay, at least you tried and learned from the experience. It’s okay to be imperfect. Do what you have to do to feel better – do you need to have a good cry/take a long walk/call someone for comfort? Everything’s going to be okay. Tomorrow’s another day and an opportunity to start and try again”.
5. Celebrate all forms of achievements, no matter how small
Because of the brain’s negativity bias, we remember our negative experiences more than the positive. When this happens, it becomes easier for us to find proof of our shortcomings and be critical and hard on ourselves.
The antidote then is to rewire the brain to, as Dr Rick Hanson, a neuropsychologist, would say – “take in the good”. Taking in the good means to let the good things, good experiences, and achievements sink in by savouring it when it happens. By doing so, we will easily remember “the good” and collect proof of our good traits, experiences, and achievements that we can then retrieve and use to negate self-criticisms.
So celebrate your daily achievements no matter how small and savour them.
Did you help someone today? Did you make someone smile? It shows that you’re a kind and loving person; that’s something to be proud of. Did you make that call or sent that email or text even if you’re afraid? Did you speak up even if you’re scared? Great — that shows courage; that’s an achievement.
The point is, savour all your wins and accomplishments, anything you’re proud of — no matter how trivial it may seem. Collect those good memories and triumphs, and then remind yourself of it whenever you’re hard on yourself.
And if all else fails and you still find yourself struggling, seek professional help from a therapist or a coach. It’s okay and brave to seek help.
We are our constant companion. People in our lives come and go, but we will always be with ourselves. So why not be the best companion and friend we can be?
Key Takeaways
- Self-compassion is treating yourself with kindness, warmth, and understanding whenever you fail and suffer, the same way you would treat another suffering person. It’s being a kind, gentle, and compassionate friend or parent to yourself.
- When we practice self-compassion, we value our long term health and happiness. Thus, we don’t allow ourselves to be inappropriately indulgent in behaviours that will undermine our wellbeing.
- Self-compassion entails acknowledging that suffering is a shared human condition – everyone suffers. Because of this, we don’t pity ourselves.
- Unlike self-esteem, self-compassion does not fluctuate based on our circumstances or whether we are doing better than others. We extend compassion towards ourselves simply because we deserve it.
- Being kind and compassionate to ourselves allows us to be more authentic and achieve goals.
- We accept our imperfections when we are self-compassionate. We recognise that we don’t have to be perfect to deserve compassion.
- Self-compassion’s mental health benefits include less depression and anxiety, greater life satisfaction and social connectedness, emotional resilience (better at coping with stress and adversities), and emotional intelligence (better at managing emotions).
- To develop self-compassion, we must practice talking to ourselves the same way a kind and loving friend or parent would speak.
- Reminding ourselves we are enough, acknowledging our shame triggers, eliminating toxic people in our lives, asking ourselves, “what would a kind and loving friend or parent say?” when we are suffering, and celebrating our achievements — no matter how small are some of the ways we can develop self-compassion.
Now it’s your turn
- Reflection: Are you compassionate towards yourself? If not, reflect on why you’re hard on yourself and its consequences on your life.
- Action Step: Whenever you catch yourself being self-critical after committing a mistake, failing, or things not going your way, always ask yourself: “What would a kind and loving friend say”.
Thank you for reading! Please leave a comment below and share what you’ve learned. Also, which of the tips or ways to develop self-compassion resonated with you?
References
Self-Compassion (https://self-compassion.org)
Brown, B. (2007). I Thought It Was Just Me (But It Isn’t). Avery